Sunday Surf: Homebirth and Natural Childbirth: Dads and Siblings

This is the last of a series of three posts on birth. The first was on labor, postpartum and other birth information. The second included links to birth stories and videos. This post is intended to gather links for dads or birth partners as well as resources to prepare siblings.

I worried about my daughter’s role during my second homebirth. As it turns out, she was fantastic and everything was natural and easy. She makes appearances in a few wonderful shots in video slideshow of my son’s homebirth. Having her there was so special to me. In fact, when I needed to not be alone, she was the only one there! I love that girl…..

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DADS/PARTNERS

• Is Your Birth Partner Supportive? (Stay at Home Papa)
• Let Your Monkey Do It — A dad’s perspective on the homebirth journey and experience
• How to Get Your Partner on Board with Your “Crazy” Natural Childbirth Idea: A Man’s Perspective
• Homebirth Dads: The Dad’s Perspective on Homebirthing — Free radio interview download and pay DVD
• The Other Side of the Glass: A Birth Film for Fathers
• Homebirth Story from a Dad’s Perspective: Part 1 and Part 2
• Dads and Birth: At the Core of the Experience (audio recording of teleseminar by Empowered Papa)
• Bring Birth Home
  • Help! I Want a Homebirth but Dad Doesn’t
  • Homebirth Dad Stories
  • How the Role of Men as Natural Birth Advocates Positively Affected Our Homebirth Experience
  • How Dads Can Walk the Line and Decide in Favor of Homebirth
  • Why I Advocate for the Dad – Doula Relationship

SIBLINGS

• Should Siblings Be Included in Birth?
• Pregnancy, Birth and the New Sibling: 10 Tips
• 30 Natural Birth Videos and Slideshows to Prepare Children for Labor and Birth
• Transitioning the Only Child to Older Sibling
• Encouraging Children with New Siblings
• Books
  • We’re Having a Homebirth! (Yes, I was reading this in between contractions when I started feeling pushy and felt the sac pushing out. Good book!)
  • Welcome With Love or Hello Baby

Sunday Surf: Natural Birth, Homebirth and Unassisted Birth Videos and Stories

This post has moved to the new A Living Family site!

Please check out the awesome, powerful videos and stories at this new link.

Sunday Surf: Birth from Pregnancy to Postpartum: Information

[I planned to start this birth series before baby came. I expected to be going into labor a day or two from now. Instead, my son is two weeks old(!), and I post these as a new mama of two. (This has inspired an ongoing Tandem Nurturer series.)]

This is the first of a series of three posts on labor and birth. Following this will be a post with resources for dads/partners and siblings and one with birth videos and stories. These are not all the resources out there. (For instance, I don’t have books, film and product suggestions…a fourth post?). These are some of the links I have gathered along the way and found helpful. I hope they help others, too.

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This post has moved to the new A Living Family site!

Please check out the awesome, powerful videos and stories at this new link.

Sunday Surf: The Real Deal

Usually I cheat and make Sunday Surf on a theme to provide information. Today is the real deal. These are just articles and things I’ve looked at that I think are worth sharing:

Building a Table (from Palumba)

From Conception to Birth

Trying to Conceive Naturally: What Are the Next Steps? (Natural Parents Network)

TTC (trying to conceive) is a hard place to be. I didn’t explain in my miscarriage post, but trying to conceive after that felt like a whole to do. About the only thing that actually helped was acupuncture. (I had an extra long cycle that got cut down by about a week, and regulated my hormone levels a bit, I believe.) Still, I did the thermometer, ovulation kits, herbs and more. In the end, I got fed up and gave up trying and that was the time we conceived my daughter. Interestingly, it also happened to be one year to the cycle of my lost baby’s conception.

This is a great NPN post sharing the range of options available to those TTC .

Please Sign Here, You Have No Rights (Birth Without Fear)

Technically, you can go into a hospital with a napkin that says “I consent to

Mother and Baby: Positioning after Birth (Delayed Cord Clamping: Cord Clamping Information and Research)

[Excerpt:]

“I do wonder if more women gave birth without interference (or out of water maybe), would we be more accustomed to seeing mother-directed third stage of labour – where women might have a short rest before attending to her baby – and have a greater appreciation and understanding of physiological fetal-to-neonatal transition?

It is instinct in some mammals to rest in the first 30s-1m or so after birth – leaving the baby undisturbed during placental transfusion. Do we have these same instincts, to be above our babies, to gaze at and touch our babies, to watch them breathe and check the cord…before lifting our babies up?“

Child

Palumba

I found this company after looking for solid wood tables for my daughter. They are pricier than plastic counterparts (or DIY, if you can/are interested in making your own things). All of their products are beautiful, however, so they make a good suggestion for folks trying to buy you stuff that maybe you don’t want…..like grandparents. This stuff is built to last and inspire the imagination. Here’s more about them:

“We specialize in organic, natural, sustainably built, handmade children’s items created from all natural materials. Palumba’s offering of safe, non-toxic childrens toys, musical items, art supplies and clothing are all dedicated to the natural home.

Best of all, 80% of our toys are made in the USA; the rest are crafted in Fair Trade Cooperatives. All of our toys are made without any toxins or unsafe parts. They are all of heirloom quality, hand crafted and sustainably made with care and integrity.”

Understanding Brain Development in Young Children

Some recent research on how the brain develops, how it is constructed and periods of brain development (language, physical, emotional and so forth). Of course the point is that children’s brains are laying the wiring down in the first years. Here’s the conclusion:

“The development of a child’s brain holds the key to the child’s future. Although the “first years last forever” in terms of the rapid development of young children’s brains, the actual first years of a child’s life go by very quickly. So touch, talk, read, smile, sing, count and play with your children. It does more than make both of you feel good. It helps a child’s brain develop and nourishes the child’s potential for a lifetime.”

Idea List for Toddler/Preschooler Activity Bags (Intrepid Murmurings)

This post is an absolute gold mine of ideas for keeping little hands engaged and exploring — easy, quick and packed full of potential! Seriously, every one is something doable, creative and fun!

Finished Chair!

Parenting

Best of 2011 from Natural Parents Network Volunteers

Take the time it takes to surf through these links — awesome stuff! These piqued my interest:

• Why Do Children Have More Food Allergies Than Ever Before? — I don’t want to give things away because it’s an important read….
• An-depth and informative post about the menstrual cup option, specifically the Diva Cup.
• A bittersweet post about an (abrupt) child-led end to a cosleeping relationship — of course this made me want to stare at my daughter in the middle of the night and hug her close, especially with another baby on the way and our solo time in bed ending….
• 80 Uses for Coconut Oil gave me lots of ideas of what to do with the super good stuff I got from a local guy at our coop. This stuff is good for you–all of you!
• The Best First Food for Baby made me understand why my daughter might have eaten the way she did on our baby-led solids journey. Fascinating!

One Teacher’s Approach to Preventing Gender Bullying in a (1st Grade) Classroom

One of my former students brought this to my attention. It made me think about all the ways in which my environment as a parent trying to raise my daughter is gendered from before birth. Try finding a “girl” shirt that doesn’t have ruffles or puffs or shiny bits or flowers. Even Melissa and Doug has a toy in a “friendship” set (pink and flowery) and a “vehicles” set (primary colors and all vehicles). This article took a glimpse into the classroom to see how these gendered realities are affecting children and their relationships.

Don’t Fix These Toddler Struggles

Loved this post because it not only normalizes the struggles that toddlers have but gives confidence and encouragement to caregivers to trust children and their natural learning processes. What seems like a problem to the adults isn’t necessarily problematic to children…

The Tandem Mommy (Mothering.com)

As someone hoping to see if the tandem experience is for my daughter and I (and baby #2), this post felt like a real, honest and helpful post. As always, the comments are good to go through as well.

Sunday Surf: Alternative Parenting Info for Family and Friends

Holidays and celebrations usually mean family get togethers and all that comes with those situations.

For many, this is a joyous time when perhaps people who rarely enjoy sharing the same space have a day or more to “live together” in some ways. What happens when the small family unit chooses to live differently than the family at large? For parents who subscribe to alternative/gentle/positive/natural/attachment whatever you call it parenting, the coming together of different styles of raising children can cause tension and frustration. Some families also have a hard time over the phone or the internet.

A few things I think cause trouble are a lack of compassionate understanding of the various “sides” and feelings of judgment and defensiveness that block communication. This happens for everyone, but it seems that the hows, whats and whys of a less typical type of parent are less known (and also, therefore, respected?). I know I wish that my family could read some of the articles that shape my parenting choices.

What follows is a rough draft of my dream list of 10 blog posts to give someone a sense of where I am currently coming from as a mother. (Yes, I reserve the right to change and learn and grow.)

***Last minute addition!***

I just found this post on the 10 RIE principles of caregiving, and it addresses all the main issues I’ve been trying to raise with my own family. I may even share it with said family…….

10 Articles to Help Understand My Parenting Aspirations

• 5 Lessons I Never Knew I Was Teaching
• Turning a Negative into a Positive
• 3 Alternatives to Saying “Good Job” (with a link to 5 Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job”)
• One Simple Tip to Have Your Toddler Cooperating and Feeling Proud
• Teaching Children to Handle Their Emotions: As Simple as PIE
• How Do We Develop Empathy?
• 5 Benefits to Cosleeping Past Infancy
• 10 Reasons Why I Choose to Nurse My Toddler
• Astra Taylor on The Unschooled Life (video)
• Consuming Kids (trailer for video that seems like it might be helfpul)

Sunday Surf: Playful Parenting

As I approach 33 weeks pregnant with still more to do to prepare, I’m taking it easy on the Sunday Surf this week and giving you some truly great links with little explanation. I’m hoping the excerpts speak for themselves. Many of them have links to all the Carnival of Natural Parenting articles on play. Check them out!

PLAYFUL PARENTING

Playful Parenting by Lawrence J. Cohen, PhD

The Book: Playful Parenting

Book Review (PhD in Parenting)

On Being a More Playful Parent 

I swear I was a more patient mother  before I had two children. I found myself yelling at my child. As the months passed, it wasn’t getting any better. One day I came across a book: Playful Parenting by Larry Cohen. I wrote about this book here and here. Thanks to this book, I am more patient and better at keeping my cool.

Parenting through Play: Not Always Easy, but Always Rewarding

Play hasn’t always come easy to me. omewhere between childhood, the years I enjoyed babysitting as a teen, and parenthood I lost touch with play. I became a serious adult. And honestly, I felt a little (or a lot) embarrassed when I would get silly.

Preventing Tantrums through Play

Stern voice + controlling attitude = Tantrum
Loud voice + controlling attitude = Tantrum
Firm demands for compliance = Tantrum
Playing a game = a lot of extra time carved out of your day = an accommodating, happy-go-lucky kid

Parenting through Play Starts in Infancy

Maybe it seems like play would take up too much time. But a few moments making something fun can save you many moments of sadness getting in the way later.

Practicing Playful Parenting

Sometimes I feel that parenting is a skill that does not come easily to me. I read so many great books on peaceful communication and gentle discipline…and then something crazy happens in our house and I am either lost for words or get frustrated to the point of yelling. One trick I do have in my parenting pocket is playfulness. If in doubt I play. Here are a few examples…

Handling Big Emotions with Role-Playing

Play. Especially role-playing will help a child project their big emotions onto the skit you create and away from themselves. Unlike distraction, which has merit at times, playing can actually help a child to understand and resolve their feelings. And it certainly diffuses the parent’s tension almost immediately.

Parenting My Toddler through Play

I learned quickly that making everyday tasks fun made them not only go by quicker, but made them less painful. It was only natural for me to develop a healthy playful parenting relationship with my own child. These are a few playful ways I parent E….

Getting Cooperation through Play

All he did was just mix work with play, and voila – Abbey felt respected, chores got done, and daddy got the cooperation he needed. Now. . . if I could just remember to embrace play more often. Here are some ideas that have been helping me remember to get playful more often.

Grace and Courtesy Games for Home and School

grace, courtesy, conversational skills, table manners….

A Promise to My Daughter (a poem, excerpt below)

Sometimes I find it’s easy to forget
When I feel tired, annoyed or upset
That you’re just learning innocently
You don’t really mean to cause trouble for me

Sunday Surf: Discipline

[This post is a followup to Parenting with a Little Perspective.]

Here are two scenarios involving discipline that have been happening in my house, on the playground, in the car — everywhere! You know, the situations that drive you nuts because they test your beliefs and push you to your limits….those times when things creep in like yelling, threats, shame-inducing tones….

Scenario 1:

My 2 year old daughter is holding an object that isn’t safe or for her. I say “That isn’t a toy and it can hurt you. Put it back.” My daughter looks at me, her face now clearly annoyed, and throws whatever it is. (Sometimes this is dangerous and scares me.)

Scenario 2:

My daughter wants something. I don’t respond quickly enough, or she can’t have or do what she is wanting. She becomes an inconsolable heap of angry, messy sobs and spitty, mumbled words.

Here are some articles around discipline and conflict that I have been thinking about and finding helpful. Gentle, positive, alternative to spanking and yelling–call it what you want. These articles offer ways to relate to our children with clear respect and love, even in the roughest moments.

5 Reasons Why Toddlers Don’t Need Redirection

Redirection is a common trick parents are told to use, but what does it teach? I know I thought of it as a go-to strategy for a while. Sometimes distraction is an appropriate tool, but this article calls into question the effectiveness and reasoning behind redirection and distraction, especially without acknowledgement of the situation at hand.

Alternative Discipline: Life without Punishment

The transformation of this mama is clear. The intro says everything that’s on the minds of many:

I was raised to believe that children are sneaky and manipulative, and the only way to have an orderly household is to punish early and often — to include spanking, withholding meals, and liberal groundings. While I didn’t buy into all of this (I didn’t like it being done to me, why would I think it would foster a good relationship with my own children?), I still thought someform of punishment was necessary. After all, if you didn’t punish, how on earth would a child learn not to do certain things? 

…..Needless to say, she figures it out!

Positive Parenting Is Not Permissive

Clear article about setting limits, being a empathetic and proactive leader and teaching appropriate behavior all without punishment, demands or threats.

Gentle Discipline In Action (Seeing Is Believing)

Want a cooperative 14 month old? Is it possible for a child that young to cooperate? This video shows that it’s possible for children that young to show restraint and impulse control without being manipulated or forced.

Gentle Discipline: Dealing with Hitting

Hitting is such a common issue with toddlers and in general. How can parents deal with hitting without punishment when it is just not acceptable behavior?

Positive Parenting in Action: Aggressive Behavior

Similar to the above, but with 4 clear steps to consider and helpful scenarios for children of all ages. I use this one all the time!

Parenting a Spirited Preschooler

The advice for this mama, pushed to the edge, is helpful for all parents of all types of children.

Sunday Surf: Parenting with a Little Perspective

I love my daughter. Yes I do. It just that sometimes I find myself on the edge….

Sometimes, I find myself losing it. My tone gets all annoyed and impatient. I’m pushier than I normally am. My whole body language (and English language) says that I have had it and whatever my daughter is doing is wrong. Then when I stop and think about the actual moment in front of me, the situation at hand seems to not be as big a deal as I am making it. A few more minutes to let her explore a new feeling or idea (or sit on the potty forever reading the same book….again) really isn’t causing a problem. The fact that she clearly wants to pour water just means I need to find an activity where she can do exactly that. It doesn’t matter if she does something the “wrong” way or eats something in a way I would never do. And truly, if she needs me to just hold her or be in the room with her while she cries hysterically for a few minutes, that is ok, too.

The following articles highlight some of the perspective I get when I step back and live through my daughter’s eyes. When I can gain that extra distance to think about the bigger picture, I realize what matters. I feel able to get back in there and be the mom I hope to be. 

Moving at the Speed of Children

(#4 from below.) “I am always thinking if the the clock is more important than the moment with the child.” What a simple way to bring me back to what’s important!

10 Important Things I Am Still Trying to Learn

After #1, “All children are capable,” comes “Presume competence,” another case for letting my daughter do as much as she can….and not assuming I know what she can or can’t do or what she does or doesn’t know.

Saying “Yes–And!” in Parenting

“I’m just trying to be a little less reasonable, a little more open, a little more free-spirited.” An inspiring voice for being a “good improvisational partner” with my child.

Why I Don’t Cry (or Yell) Over Spilled Milk

This one brought me out of a tough moment and and helped me commit to working on how I respond and communicate with my daughter. “What matters is our kids.  What matters is our relationships with our kids.”

Understanding Tears and Tantrums

Crying. The tears, redness, noise, the hyperventilating….that face. Strangely, I have become less worried about my daughter crying, take it less personally and as a result get less frustrated. I have noticed the benefits of a good cry, if I let it happen without interrupting. What does the research tell us about crying? [Main trouble I have is when we’re in public and she’s having feelings (not the giant ones, even, just little pouty lip ones). It would help if having an upset kid was more ok in the general public, I think.]

Sunday Surf: Birth

As I face and prepare for another homebirth, I have been seeking inspiration and information. I find that in all kinds of places, not just stories about homebirth. Here are some of the spots I’ve stopped along the way:

Woman Belly Dances through “Pain-Free, 4-Hour Labor” (video)

Want to birth naturally but feel safer in a hospital? Looking for natural pain management tips? Try out of the box, yet ancient, technique! I know I feel more freed up and interested in creative movement this time around. Last time I kind of went to Birthland and rode things out without too many tricks. I don’t want to be caught in my head or body without extra tricks to help me and to help my husband help me through the tough spots. Bellydance is just the thing. (Also good for heartburn and other pregnancy aches and pains….)

Homebirth of an 11 pound Baby

Worried about a “big baby?” Since my first was a six-pounder with a head circumference in the .5%, I have been working on getting my mind around birthing a bigger baby. Of course I hear women tell me all the time that they were/are unable to birth a baby over 8 pounds. (Someone is telling them this, too, obviously.) I find joy in reading big baby natural birth stories because they strengthen my faith and understanding in the power of a woman’s body. Trust is everything in birth and life, in my experience. (This is an awesome story about a 5 hour, second time birth, too.)

Fetus Ejection Reflex and the Art of Midwifery

I may be getting carried away because of my own ambitions toward a gentle birth, but I think everyone should understand this reflex. Essentially, if you wouldn’t tell a breastfeeding mother to “let down” so milk would flow or wouldn’t tell a man to ejaculate to release sperm then it follows that you wouldn’t need to tell a woman in labor who has had uninterrupted hormone flow to push. Brilliant. Gave me some great ideas for letting go and letting my body and baby work.

What are the risks of epidurals?

I feel strongly that homebirth is right for me. This means epidurals are not an option. I hate needles, so I can see me going without in the hospital, too. I guess since I haven’t considered it for myself and because it seems so common among people I talk to, I never considered the risks of epidurals — a medical pain management technique. (I found natural methods highly effective in my first birth, and there is no risk to swaying, moaning, visualizing, breathing, and saying mantras/affirmations in my head.) Our friends, the Dyen Family wrote this blogpost….or there’s a video version if you prefer.

What You Don’t Know about Your Cervix Could Ruin Your Birth

Ahh, the cervix. Mysterious little thing in the unknown darkness. Lots of myths surrounding this body part that is most significant during childbirth. Here are four of them. The point? The cervix is capable of doing things that you cannot imagine. Give it some credit, and let it do it’s thing.

Birth Art

I am a strong believer in birth art. “Birth Art is an incredible method of teaching you what you already know about your birth, but didn’t know you knew it!” For both mamas and dads, for first time moms and moms of multiples, before and after birth. Birthing from Within gave me the idea and the encouragement in the first place. I am no artist, but, as I describe in my birth story, making the 4 drawings I did and sharing them with my midwife before the birth meant that a lot of stuff that could have come up as obstacles during labor didn’t. I like seeing other people’s birth art, want to incorporate art into Birth Story Circles and will definitely have it as part of my childbirth classes when I become an Birthworks educator.