No Spanking, No Yelling, No Time Outs….What’s Left?

Welcome to the Spank Out Day 2012 Carnival

This post was written for inclusion in the Second Annual Spank Out Day Carnival hosted by Zoie at TouchstoneZ. Spank Out Day was created by The Center for Effective Discipline to give attention to the need to end corporal punishment of children and to promote non-violent ways of teaching children appropriate behavior. All parents, guardians, and caregivers are encouraged to refrain from hitting children on April 30th each year, and to seek alternative methods of discipline through programs available in community agencies, churches and schools. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

***

I was spanked as a child.

Hit with a metal flyswatter. Brush on the back of the knuckles. Ear pull. No prop “just use your hand” butt spank. Head smack. And a lot of yelling surrounding it all.

My mom remembers none of it.

Eventually I could run away faster and had a lock on the door. It was easy to wait till the angry threats of increased punishment if I came out “now” had passed. Even at school, children could be sent to the principal’s office to be paddled.

Now I have my own children.

From the outset, I knew I didn’t want to spank. I feel bad when I raise my voice — plus, I think have a seething anger rather than a loud kind since other folks in my family took up the soundscape with their anger. Time out just no longer makes sense to me.

When my conditioned (and conditional) parenting “techniques” are not working…What is left for me?

It’s not that I don’t feel like being domineering sometimes. I’ll admit that, especially with postpartum hormones and adjustment of having two, I find myself sometimes dreaming up little fantasies of grabbing my daughter by the arm and making her sit in the chair and forcing her to put her clothes on.

It would be so easy to use force to bend her to my will.

But I think my feelings around no spanking have caused me to question all uses of force. Sometimes I struggle to keep my power to a minimum when the messages around me are that I need to contain my children’s essence by “telling them who’s boss” or “making them obey.” I know I would never hit my daughter, but that is just one extreme of conditional parenting. If I manipulate my daughter through punishment (withdrawal of love or attention), bribery, yelling, praise or any other form of conditional love, I just feel something is off.

In these moments, when I’ve lost my cool but can’t find something to grasp on to, I have to go deeper. I have to call into question everything I am thinking and feeling. I examine it and try to make sense of it. I want to understand why I have these reactions and what actions I would like to take instead.

Here’s what I’ve realized is left, what’s beyond spanking and yelling and time outs:

Compassion

Who doesn’t lose it once in a while? Make a mess sometimes? Get a little loud on accident?
Children aren’t trying to manipulate adults. They aren’t doing things “on purpose” just to annoy us and make work for us. Even actions of jealousy are not “to show me” something.

Our children’s behavior is a reflection of what is happening inside. The hard part for me as a parent is to accept that her behavior is in large part a result of my parenting. If I keep her fed, rested, hydrated, sufficiently sunned (outside time) and cuddled as best I can, we are both in general doing alright. If not, then I am going to see the strain of covering for that loss.

As a mother my actions and words should arise first and foremost from a compassionate place…..or else I should endeavor to keep my mouth shut.

In fact, right now I am working to start in with empathy and then the guidance rather than a “No” and then a lecture. A challenging, but worthy task, I can already tell.

Comfort 

When I am struggling, I want comfort. I want to know things are ok.

I snap at my husband. I lose my patience with my daughter. Even my floppy-armed baby boy can get on my nerves when I am not getting my needs me.

In those moments, what I want is a kind word, a hug, a drink of water, a quiet breath. My children deserve these things, too. When my daughter is losing it, I gesture or ask her if she needs a hug. Even if she says no, I can still communicate that I am there for her during this struggle by offering her comfort.

Connection 

When I stop, drop and breathe, and gather my compassion, I find that my response increases the connection between us.

Where my child might run away or yell louder or push me away, there is a togetherness. We are having a hard time, but we are in it together. I don’t abandon her to her feelings and shame her for her exploration and learning.

By getting down to her level and staying with her in a calm way, I let my daughter know that her feelings are ok and we are ok.

It is through this same connection that the power of my example works its magic. One thing I know is true: If I want my children to do something or be some way, the surest way of getting that is to do and be that way myself.

Communication 
After I have found within a place of compassion from which to work,  acknowledged my daughter’s needs and  validated her worthiness, I can now set a limit. By going through the other steps, rather than jumping straight to this one, I have a better chance of being heard. I have encouraged my daughter to shift rather than forced her into it through my words or actions.

In action, these might be like this:

  1. You are feeling angry because you want that.
  2. It’s hard to have to wait for something to want. 
  3. [Drop down to her level and look her in the eye.] I see that this is important to you right now….
  4. ….but I can’t let you hit. 
In comparison to this, spanking would be the easy route for me. This does not come easily to me. However, the difference between how I feel when I reach for doing something like this versus how I feel after losing my patience and snapping at her is dramatic. I feel bad that I am trying to raise a gentle, loving human being and doing something completely against that in order to “teach” her.
Spanking, yelling and time outs simply do not lead to compassion, comfort, connection or communication.

I want to love my child unconditionally, and I feel the more I can do that the more my child will embody these very qualities that I hold dear.

*******************************************

RESOURCES

***

Spank Out Day 2012 Carnival hosted by TouchstoneZ

On Carnival day, please follow along on Twitter using the handy #SpankOutCar hashtag. You can also subscribe to the Spank Out Day Carnival Twitter List and Spank Out Day Carnival Participant Feed.
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

16 responses to this post.

  1. I don’t spank, but definitely use my share of time outs, & an angry, impatient voice. What you ask seems so simple, yet I think it’s one of the hardest things in the world to do: stay calm in the face of anger. Here’s to trying…

    Reply

  2. This post rocks my socks. Just, everything about it. Thanks for participating in the carnival – I did too. I’m running around reading the posts and this one is stellar.

    Reply

  3. […] No Spanking, No Yelling, No Time Outs….What’s Left? Sheila at A Living Family shares that though spanked as a child herself, she has made efforts towards an alternative approach to setting limits. […]

    Reply

  4. Posted by Mandy on April 30, 2012 at 5:15 pm

    I love this post. If our goal is to help guide our children through their early years and to build a relationship built on mutual respect and love, bullying has absolutely no place in our relationship with them.

    Reply

  5. […] “No spanking, no yelling, no time-outs; what’s left?” by Alivingfamily.com […]

    Reply

  6. […] No Spanking, No Yelling, No Time Outs….What’s Left? Sheila at A Living Family shares that though spanked as a child herself, she has made efforts towards an alternative approach to setting limits. […]

    Reply

  7. Posted by et on May 1, 2012 at 12:42 am

    2 questions to ask spanking parents :
    Do you spank to teach kids hitting others is wrong?
    How long will you continue spanking – until kids are big enough to hit back?

    Reply

    • Posted by Joe on September 7, 2013 at 1:41 pm

      Hitting isn’t always wrong. Spanking, for example, is hitting and is not wrong. There is hitting in sports that is not wrong. There is hitting in self defense, that is not wrong. There is hitting in the defense of others that may not be wrong. There is even hitting someone who is hysterical. Police may hit to subdue someone. Is this always wrong. Obama is going to hit Syria. Is this wrong? (Of course it is).

      If your kids only knows a world of love and hugs, how will be unable to deal with the real world.

      Reply

    • Posted by Joe on September 7, 2013 at 1:47 pm

      By the way, my eldest son (16 years old) could easily beat me physically. That is not the point of a spanking. I don’t spank him anymore, because I don’t need to, but there have been moments when a spanking seems imminent. During these moments, he understands immediately the seriousness of his offense and he changes his behavior accordingly. I would say, and he would agree, that spanking has been healthy for him.

      Spanking is necessary for the mental health and well-being of most (not all) children.

      Reply

  8. […] No Spanking, No Yelling, No Time Outs….What’s Left? Sheila at  A Living Family shares that though spanked as a child herself, she has made efforts towards an alternative approach to setting limits. […]

    Reply

  9. Changing how we parent our own children is very challenging, VERY. Outlining the steps you need to take in order to do so is very helpful. It’s how I taught myself how to stop yelling and instead connect emotionally to my son and the positive changes have been astounding.

    Reply

  10. It can be really scary and so hard to accept responsibility for how our children act. I myself have found though that things have become clearer and easier since I have. It is not to say that my children do not have their own personalities and such, they do. But as you said, if their basic needs are met and I am responding to them compassionately, things are very different they the converse.

    Thank you for this important and wonderful piece. Have you been able to work through your own experience as a child? How fortunate your children are that you chose to stop this way of parenting. I myself am finding parenting my own children personally healing.

    Reply

  11. […] No Spanking, No Yelling, No Time Outs….What’s Left? […]

    Reply

  12. Posted by Jessie V. on June 16, 2012 at 8:43 pm

    I love what you wrote. I can so relate to this! There are times where my daughter is just being out right defiant and I just can’t get her to do what I want her to do. And I just look at her and am like, “I can’t (or I guess won’t but it should be can’t) control you with physical force, I can’t emotionally manipulate you, I can’t bribe you, what in the world am I supposed to do??” she doesn’t understand my rant 🙂 but I love what you wrote about compassion. I also want there very first reaction of my heart, the very first one, to be that of mercy and compassion, and not anger. Thank you for this encouraging post!

    Reply

  13. […] of us were spanked as children, like me. Most of us were yelled at or threatened or bribed or rewarded. Responses of conditional love come […]

    Reply

  14. […] do our adult relationships good, but we can certainly can help our relationships with our children. Instead of yelling and spanking, we can breathe and they can breathe, so we can all shift towards a more helpful […]

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: