Unconditional Parenting: Chapter 9: Choices for Children


  • Autonomy: “a feeling that we are the initiators of much of what we do”
  • The act of choosing is more important than the choices themselves. (169)
  • Drawbacks of constricted autonomy (169)
    • aggravation
    • depression
    • physical illness
    • see Chapter 3
  • Benefits of choice (168-9)
    • Young children are more likely to do what is asked and less likely to misbehave.
    • Teenagers are more apt to share, feel better about themselves, like school more, and stay out of trouble.
    • College students are more likely to feel confident about themselves and persist in the face of difficulty or failure.
  • Summary of research: “The way kids learn to make good decisions is by making decisions, not by following directions.” (169)
  • Not just freedom to choose that makes a difference, it’s the parent-child interactions and conversations that have an impact. (172)
  • When children know that things can be negotiated they tend to stop challenging decisions. (176)
  • Children are less likely to to resist decisions they helped to make. (176)
  • Children really respond when they are treated with respect, involved in problem solving and assumed to be well-intentioned. (174)
  • Choice should be given in more than just trivial matters.
  • When they have to do something, but don’t want to….
    • Use the least intrusive strategy.
    • Be honest.
    • Explain the rationale.
    • Turn it into a game.
    • Set an example.
    • Give as much choice as possible.
  • Dealing with tantrums
    • Rule #1: Ignore everyone around you.
    • Rule #2: Imagine the situation from your child’s point of view.


  • What are some specific situations or trouble spots that come up in which you can offer choices or work with your child to set limits?
  • What do you observe when you give choices versus times when you don’t?


* Summaries of chapters 1-8 

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