Unconditional Parenting: Chapter 8: Love without Strings Attached

Approaching (shifting to) Unconditionality (p. 141)

  • Be mindful of parenting unconditionally, thinking and reflecting.
  • Consider yourself on the other end of your words and actions. Would you feel loved and accepted unconditionally?

To Minimize (p. 143)

  • Limit the number of criticisms. (Be choosy.)
  • Limit the scope of each criticism. (Be specific.)
  • Limit the intensity of each criticism. (Be gentle.)
  • Look for alternatives to criticism. (Say what you see and ask questions.)
  • Move beyond tit for tat (and winning).

To Maximize (p. 146)

  • Help them see effects on others.
  • Stay positive as much as possible.
  • Keep in mind why the child is acting that way. See the “vulnerable child behind the bothersome or menacing exterior.”
  • Keep at it.


  •  Our words and actions can be instruments of control or expressions of love (not both). (p. 153)
  • A spoiled child means they have too much of what they want (stuff) and not enough of what they need (unconditional love). (p.153)
  • Children need your affection, attention (regardless of mood or circumstance), to feel you are delighted to be with them, to know you care no matter what.
  • Praise is more what parents need to say than what children need to hear. (p.155)
  • “When unconditional love and genuine enthusiasm are always present, “Good job!” isn’t necessary; when they’re absent, “Good job!” won’t help. (p.155)
  • When thinking of giving a compliment, consider 3 things (pp. 158-9):
    • Why: Intended to make someone feel good or to control or influence an outcome?
    • To Whom: Adult to adult is more equal than adult to child, so we need to be more careful speaking with children.
    • What Effects: Watch for the effects of your words and actions.
  • Children most need love when they fall short.
  • Generally, school is a conditional environment which may clash with your goals to be more unconditional.


  • How does your child seem to take your words and actions?
  • What is your goal in praising or complimenting your child?
  • If you had to pick your battles, which would you choose?

2 responses to this post.

  1. […] my reactions to ensure that my children do not come to need external validation or praise but instead feel their own pride and […]


  2. […] more scope for creative play. One other conversation that came up was around alternatives to praise. As parents we find ourselves in awe of our child’s capabilities. We also want to build our […]


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